I read this poem via Dena today, and I find it very fitting of how I feel towards living. I sometimes struggle with this mindset, but at the core of my being, I know it to be true. And it is a good reminder about the burst of life - sometimes we stifle it, with so many things - inane, unimportant things (though I think a tiny dose of those doesn't hurt) - and unhealthy habits and foods. It gets so stifled that we actually believe we can't accomplish what we want! How ludicrous!
A friend on IRC (yeah, there's been a revival amongst my old online friends) said yesterday to someone who was lamenting their terrible situation:
If you want something badly enough, you will make it happen, simple as that.
And it's true. We make things so complicated, and there is always a way. People in dire, horrible circumstances have prevailed if they have really pressed to succeed - why is anyone else any different? You most likely have full use of your brain and your bodily functions and limbs - not everyone does and many of those ignore their hardships and go for their desires anyway. So...you can, as well.
I think it's time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and even for others, because in the majority of peoples' lives, they have it pretty good. Most problems are petty, so start feeling grateful for what you do have and push to get the excess you want!
Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.
there is a slow burn to make fast breath
hot in the belly, caught in the throat
i am a star leaving a trail of ash
plummeting toward earth
with a dagger between my teeth
to cut the boredom from your life
to scrape the excuses from your tongue
to stab the ennui in your chest
i am a juggernaut
a steaming froth of white light
a gaseous nebula of rainbow fire
a dancing vixen of tempting swirls
a nymphet on the precipice of careening down the cliff
just to see what it's like
just to see what is there
kissing everyone in my path
the beauty of everyone apparent to me
the passion repressed in their every cell
this must be brought to the surface
to be sloughed off into songs and words scrawled on paper
to be colours and maniacal streaks of paint on the ground
chalk on your face
metal in your skin
blinding throbbing ecstasy pulsing like pins and wrought iron in your capillaries
you can see if you look carefully at your wrists
the painful yearning of life,
bursting to get out
to make you see what is there
everywhere
in front of you
behind your eyelids
behind you
thrown at you
take it grab it and devour it
like a demon with a thousand claws,
ripping with a thousand teeth
eat your life with me
suck it down your throat
run wildly through forests with your hair wet against your back
from the time you felt the urge to jump in that fountain
from the tears you wept over the exquisite ache of love
from the sweat of the sun making you bloom
I woke up with that sinking "I'm not worthy" feeling, which is such utter excrement.
Do you ever wake up like that? I have on countless occasions. More so when I was in my 20's, but not so much these days. Being on a healthy path has changed a lot of things, most particularly my moods (which was the whole point behind changing my diet).
So, who gets to choose if we are worthy? Worthy of what, too? For me, it means worthy of attention, which translates into "people like me" which translates into "I'm important and my existence is not futile."
How about this thought instead? "I am worthy of existence because I was born."
The conception process may seem simple, but it is an incredibly arduous process that you don't see. Atoms and cells, strands of DNA, stardust - it all happened to create you, and here you are. No matter what you may look like, what you may think, or what you do with your time, you are the nebula of so many people, places, microscopic wonders. A nebula that can expand and swallow life, vibrant and lush. You are made up of exactly the same things as everyone else, and you are connected to the whole bloody universe. Any form of life, you could connect yourself to it, if you traced the steps.
So what makes us worthy of attention? The same thing as anyone else - that you have something to say or show that someone else needs to see or hear. That won't be everyone, and good - can you imagine the pressure if 7 billion people liked you? You would have no time to yourself, no sleep, no privacy. Your star would explode.
So, to the people who gain courage, inspiration, and love from what you share, those are the people who you are worthy to.
Still don't feel like you make a lick of difference? Keep in mind that a lot of people who are the most inspiring are the people who overcame their obstacles. The people I look up to are never celebrities - they are survivors.
Breathe into your heart and know that you matter. You can overcome your obstacle, just like anyone.
I watched a video the other day that mentioned how people give up way too easily. That they've "tried everything." Usually that means they've tried less than 5 things. Thomas Edison was brought up - how many times did he try to make light bulbs work? Over 10,000. So stop looking at yourself as a failure, or unworthy, and start looking at yourself as someone who knows a few ways that DON'T work, and keep looking for the way that does.
This blog and project is my experiment on how to make my life and interests come together. How many things have I tried? Not many, really. Not in order to do all the things that I want. I know what doesn't work, though - paring my interests down. Long-term schooling. Conventional methods of living. I'm shaking my fist at those things. Time to try something new.
Here are some resources for you, if you feel like you have nothing to offer, if you feel worthless, or if you feel like your ideas aren't good enough. The most helpful I've found has been Byron Katie. Her simple questions have stuck in my head forever. I have read a LOT of self-help literature, and hers has been the most profound.
The basis of her Work is thus:
Question the belief that you have. In this case it would be, "I am unworthy (of whatever)."
Is it true?
Can you be 100% sure that it is true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
How would you feel...who would you BE...without that thought?
Then you turn the thought around.
You do it three times. So, in this example:
1. I am worthy. 2. (Whatever) is unworthy of me. 3. My thoughts are unworthy.
And then you find the examples of how those are true more than the original belief.
This sort of process is astoundingly helpful because it makes you feel in control of everything that happens to you.
I did this work when I woke up feeling unworthy. Who am I to start up a selfish 7 year project? Who the hell will care what I am doing? There's a zillion motivational/inspirational blogs out there, why would anyone bother with mine?
And you know what? I shouldn't be horribly concerned. The ones who bother will be the ones who I matter to, and those are the people who matter to ME.
I also like that you can use it on any type of situation. To begin with I used this process to help myself heal a badly broken heart, with this book. It has since taken up residence in my brain.
It's most helpful to write it all out at first, but eventually you can just do it in your head.
If you feel unworthy...tell yourself over and over again that you ARE worthy. And if you still don't feel that way...what would make you feel worthy? Do that.
Questioning your thoughts will change your life.
Some more inspiring words, from Danielle LaPorte (my favourite!)
+ sleep
+ eat way too much (healthy food)
+ read inspiring things
+ do "The Work"
+ write it all out. Spin it with ink into a tapestry of words.
+ go outside
+ tell people how much they mean to me
+ tidy
+ puzzle games
What I don't do:
+ anything that damages myself, physically or mentally
It all will pass. Then it's time to move on and continue to shine.
. It has since taken up residence in my brain.