Always a Way

Bethany Hamilton

I read this poem via Dena today, and I find it very fitting of how I feel towards living. I sometimes struggle with this mindset, but at the core of my being, I know it to be true. And it is a good reminder about the burst of life - sometimes we stifle it, with so many things - inane, unimportant things (though I think a tiny dose of those doesn't hurt) - and unhealthy habits and foods. It gets so stifled that we actually believe we can't accomplish what we want! How ludicrous!

A friend on IRC (yeah, there's been a revival amongst my old online friends) said yesterday to someone who was lamenting their terrible situation:

If you want something badly enough, you will make it happen, simple as that.

And it's true. We make things so complicated, and there is always a way. People in dire, horrible circumstances have prevailed if they have really pressed to succeed - why is anyone else any different? You most likely have full use of your brain and your bodily functions and limbs - not everyone does and many of those ignore their hardships and go for their desires anyway. So...you can, as well.



I think it's time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and even for others, because in the majority of peoples' lives, they have it pretty good. Most problems are petty, so start feeling grateful for what you do have and push to get the excess you want!

Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski


if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

fuck yes i lived

there is a slow burn to make fast breath
hot in the belly, caught in the throat
i am a star leaving a trail of ash
plummeting toward earth
with a dagger between my teeth
to cut the boredom from your life
to scrape the excuses from your tongue
to stab the ennui in your chest

i am a juggernaut
a steaming froth of white light
a gaseous nebula of rainbow fire
a dancing vixen of tempting swirls
a nymphet on the precipice of careening down the cliff
just to see what it's like
just to see what is there

kissing everyone in my path
the beauty of everyone apparent to me
the passion repressed in their every cell
this must be brought to the surface
to be sloughed off into songs and words scrawled on paper
to be colours and maniacal streaks of paint on the ground
chalk on your face
metal in your skin
blinding throbbing ecstasy pulsing like pins and wrought iron in your capillaries
you can see if you look carefully at your wrists
the painful yearning of life,
bursting to get out
to make you see what is there
everywhere
in front of you
behind your eyelids
behind you
thrown at you

take it grab it and devour it
like a demon with a thousand claws,
ripping with a thousand teeth
eat your life with me
suck it down your throat
run wildly through forests with your hair wet against your back
from the time you felt the urge to jump in that fountain
from the tears you wept over the exquisite ache of love
from the sweat of the sun making you bloom

so when you die
you can say
fuck yes i lived.

~ Lorra Fae, 2011

Boredom Ain't Real

"‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless. The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’"
-Louis CK


photo by Isabella Connelley

I have come out of my seasonal depression...I feel glorious.

After just a week of sunlight on my skin and eating mostly fruit, I rolled myself out like a blank, pale parchment ready for colour and whimsy and new stories.

Most of my life is delightful right now, and I am working my way to making the less desirable parts more in line with my true needs.

Life is always delicious, though, even in the gloomy parts.

For me this is a landscape and a time to bank up courage in a craven heart, to carry a greater fund of joy into the next cloud of sorrow, to learn even to love sorrow for the pleasure it divides, like the black notes on a keyboard, or hunger between meals. Perhaps even to discover that pain and pleasure, since they cannot exist without each other, are really the same thing.

- Ted Simon (Jupiter’s Travels)



Boredom is a completely foreign concept to me...well, not completely. Standing around doing nothing at my old job was so boring it was physically painful (not exaggerating) - the reason being that it was "the new way." For me, life is all about movement, whether it be physical or mental. I need to be occupied, by tasks, projects, books, art, people, animals, exercise - anything but the monotony of a prescribed, unmoving lockdown. Life moves...it needs to. It just does. So I am the same.


Speaking of projects, I have finally completed the zine I wrote in 2005. It is in the works of being printed. I am really proud of it! 70 (half page) handwritten and illustrated pages.

Now that I have discovered more ways to be healthy and vibrant, I will be posting much, much more.

I have kept to a raw vegan diet because of the ecstasy and loving energy it brings me, yet something was still missing after a couple of years. Lots of sun (I am going to travel somewhere warm every winter, I promise this to myself, even if it's California), B12 sub-lingual liquid methylcobalamin (stay clear of the cyanocobalamin - and take it whether you are omnivore or herbivore), eating mostly fruit (more on this later), always sleeping when tired (instead of fighting to stay up later - I always feel like I am missing out on something), and a length of time off. I have had 2 months mostly work-free (I do love my part-time raw-food job!), and I am ready to work again, this time somewhere I love and cherish (I used to love and cherish my old job, but things changed drastically!) - I have a particular one in mind that I desire SO much, so think good thoughts for me!

Until next time!

Travel: Paris, France

It was sunny pretty much every day in Paris.



It got up to 26 C some days (79 F). Super warm, which I was not prepared for, clothing wise. I dealt. I did not bring a lot of clothing with me on this trip - in fact, I fit everything I had into a carry-on suitcase and a laptop bag (and my purse). I had the least luggage of all of us.



I took a LOT of photos around Notre Dame, mainly because it's magnificent (duh) but the cherry blossoms in front made it extra special.







We stayed on Ile. St. Louis





Doorway to our courtyard:



More Notre Dame:















Found this pretty heart:









Lock bridge - most of these had initials on them, Lover style:





I saw this little guy everywhere! I found the street art much more interesting than the Louvre (though I didn't get to spend much time there).





We walked a hell of a lot.



Our courtyard:



I saw lots of pretty dresses I wanted:



I almost bought this one, despite it being 460 Euros (and 45 Euros for the belt):



Oh, hello Notre Dame, fancy seeing you again:





Me and my dad took one of those boat tours down the Siene. It was nice.



Never heard of it:



My favourite thing about Paris was the plants covering all the buildings. Wisteria, vines...gob-smackingly divine.





I need me one of these. This is SO my ride. SKULL MIRROR? Yes.



This kitty was lovely - he was on the seat of the scooter, too, but someone scared him off the SECOND before I was going to take the photo. This one is still cute:



Somewhere in Paris...



Me and my Dad:



Inside our 2-floor apartment (we had it for the week - 3 bedrooms):





At the Louvre - we went in for an HOUR. Still not sure why we bothered. We thought we had a lot more time than we did, but walking to and from there, plus the security line-up...we didn't have a lot of time left to look around. Oh well.





Place René Cassin:





Arc de Triomphe:





I didn't know they were doing this, haha:









Pousse-Pousse, the only raw vegan place in Paris. My dad liked it, but after their juices, my Uncle and Adriana went somewhere else to eat.



My dad liked the juice (carrot, apple, celery) so much he now makes it every day! It IS super good.







Sacré-Cœur Basilica:



Overlooking Montmartre:







Face!





Yet another FACE:



This is my favourite kind of building - covered with ivy!





It's my pal the octopus, again!



I was testing something buggy with my camera, and got this shot by accident. I love it!



I loved how the foliage matched the building:











Our courtyard statue needed a tissue:



We walked by Notre Dame a lot - these soldiers were always around, in trios.



Went to see the Monet lily-pond paintings - they were divine. And I bet I'm the only person who's ever worn a Die Antwoord shirt in there.









I don't normally bother taking photos of paintings...but these were just wow:







Don't remember the name of this place:





I figure if I ever get married, it would be in this:



We went to the Stanley Kubrick exhibit at La Cinémathèque Française - mainly I just wanted to see all the Clockwork Orange stuff - and it did not disappoint.



No photo taking was allowed, but I managed to sneak a few with my phone. I couldn't resist.









!!!!



I loved all the little details I saw. Fish door-handle!







I didn't find these guys scary. They didn't seem real. Obviously they were, but it was just rather surreal.







We finally went INSIDE Notre Dame:







We also went to Saint Chapelle. Wowza at those windows:



Emo statue is emo:



Graffiti! I like this first one, he's cute!





I think this had to do with the actual store below it:



Same with this one:



Octo-dude strikes again!



And again!



I saw this guy quite a bit, too:





Believe it or not, I was trying to take a photo of the pigeon (as a focal point) but it didn't really work that way, however that little green window works well!



Solar lights in a park:



Adriana loves her little traveling sheep companions:





Adriana and Octo-friend:



I love stuff like this, I don't know why:



Glorious lavender door:



Gardens:



Dad and me:



Menswear is exciting....



Me and Adriana bid you adieu!




Hopefully you enjoy! I feel like there is nothing worse (photographically) than typical travel photos, so I try to keep those to a minimum.